Simple, Sensible Advice for Raising Virtuous Kids
Frederick Hess, Education Next

In his article, Frederick Hess reflects on the timeless wisdom in Jeff Nelligan’s book, Four Lessons from My Three Sons, which explores practical parenting strategies for instilling civility, confidence, resilience, and ambition in children. While the book is aimed at parents, Hess argues that its advice is equally relevant to educators and mentors seeking to guide students toward virtuous behavior in an increasingly complex world.

Teaching Civility Through Real-Life Examples

Nelligan emphasizes the importance of teaching by example. Instead of delivering lengthy lectures that children may tune out, he recommends using real-life scenarios to highlight good and bad behavior. For instance, Nelligan describes observing a young athlete texting on his phone while his parents carried his equipment. He used this moment to teach his sons a straightforward lesson: “Don’t ever be like that jackass.” While the bluntness of this approach may seem out of step with today’s sensitivities, Nelligan contends that honest, direct feedback is essential for cultivating judgment and character.

Simplicity in Everyday Conduct

Nelligan stresses that the basics of civility—making eye contact, addressing others respectfully, and being punctual—require no special expertise. He encourages educators and parents to model and reinforce these behaviors, underscoring their simplicity and impact. Hess echoes this sentiment, pointing out that small, consistent acts of respect and consideration form the foundation of virtuous behavior.

Cultivating Awareness and Curiosity

Encouraging children to observe their surroundings is another cornerstone of Nelligan’s approach. He drills his sons with questions designed to spark curiosity and attention to detail, such as, “How many out-of-state license plates do you see?” or “How many people are wearing college sweatshirts?” This practice not only fosters awareness but also builds confidence by teaching children to engage with the world around them.

The Value of Timeliness and Accountability

Timeliness is a recurring theme in Nelligan’s philosophy. He considers punctuality a sign of respect for others’ time and an indicator of personal responsibility. Through anecdotes, such as his response to a family arriving disruptively late to a school event, Nelligan illustrates how respecting schedules teaches children accountability and reinforces their role as considerate members of a community.

Building Confidence Through Preparation

Practical advice for fostering self-assurance includes teaching children simple, actionable strategies for navigating the world. Nelligan shares how he prepared his young sons for potential emergencies by instructing them to seek out figures of authority, like police officers or security personnel. These lessons empower children to handle unfamiliar situations confidently and independently.

A Direct Approach to Parenting and Teaching

Nelligan’s book embraces a direct, no-nonsense style that Hess describes as “engaging and provocative.” While some anecdotes may not resonate universally, the overarching message is clear: raising virtuous children requires clear principles, consistent modeling, and straightforward communication. In an era where cultural norms can feel erratic, Nelligan argues that both parenting and education demand firmness and clarity.

Relevance for Educators

Hess highlights the relevance of Nelligan’s insights for educators. Teachers, like parents, play a critical role in shaping character and instilling virtues. By modeling civility, fostering curiosity, and holding students accountable, educators can create environments where virtues like respect, confidence, and resilience are nurtured alongside academic achievement.

In conclusion, Hess lauds Four Lessons from My Three Sons for its practical, old-school wisdom, reminding readers that the most enduring lessons often stem from simple, sensible approaches. This holiday season, Hess encourages educators and parents alike to reflect on the value of teaching virtues as they shape the next generation.