Crime Beat: Illegal K-Cup Found in Teacher’s Trash Can

The scandal! Electricity stealing teachers smuggle illegal K-Cup into school.

Adam Mar 16

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Note: This is a repost from January. I experimented posting several satire articles at once, but with lackluster results.

In a statement released to the press, local District Environmental Officer Sergeant Earth reported contraband was discovered in a trash can.

“You might want to sit down before you hear this,” he said, adjusting his piping hot coffee on the podium. “We found a k-cup.”

The room collectively gasped. Reporters nearly spilled their hot coffee.

“We’re not sure who smuggled it into school. All we know is, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And someone smuggled an appliance into school, stealing precious electricity. Ahh!” he exclaimed, spilling hot coffee on the podium.

What will be done? Between cups of fresh coffee, Sergeant Earth outlined three steps:

• 1. He will idle his SUV in school parking lots, looking for teachers working after hours.

• 2. He will patrol the halls at all hours, listening for appliances.

• 3. He will monitor energy usage from his four big screen LEDs, looking for energy spikes.

“How dare they steal electricity!” he said between sips of warm coffee. “Think of the costs!”

The Honest School Times will keep you updated. But after a fresh cup of coffee.