“The Power of the Contrasting Statement: How to Keep Difficult Conversations Honest and Safe.” (Oct 9)

In “The Power of the Contrasting Statement,” Jo Lein addresses a common obstacle in coaching relationships: the tendency for coaches to avoid delivering hard feedback out of fear—fear of damaging relationships, being perceived as evaluative rather than supportive, or having the teacher resist. However, Lein argues, sidestepping honest feedback serves no one—especially not students. Instead, she recommends using a carefully structured tool known as the contrasting statement to keep tough conversations honest yet psychologically safe.

What Is a Contrasting Statement?

Lein draws on the work of Crucial Conversations to describe a contrasting statement as having two parts:

1. “I’m not saying…” — clarifies what you do not want the person to believe or take away

2. “I am saying…” — states what you do intend, or what you truly want to communicate

For example:

“I’m not saying you don’t care about your students. I am saying that the lack of structure is keeping them from learning.”

This format helps defuse the listener’s worst fears or misinterpretations (e.g. “You think I don’t care”) while shifting focus to the real issue (e.g. inconsistent structure). By explicitly naming what one does not mean, the coach reduces defensiveness; by naming what one does mean, the coach centers the feedback on impact and next steps.

Why Coaches Need It

When teachers receive feedback, their minds often jump to negative extremes: “She thinks I’m a bad teacher,” or “He doesn’t see how hard I try.” Those “threat interpretations” create emotional barriers to listening and growth. The contrasting statement interrupts that spiral: it acknowledges the teacher’s intent or self-view while gently pivoting to the actionable feedback the coach truly wants to share.

Lein argues this technique builds psychological safety—not by softening or diluting feedback but by anchoring it in respect and clarity. It signals, “I see your intent. But here’s what I see in terms of impact.”

Examples in Coaching

Lein gives several concrete before/after pairs:

• Classroom management

  • Without contrast: “You don’t have control of your class.”

  • With contrast: “I’m not saying you don’t care about learning. I am saying that your directions aren’t being followed consistently, and that’s costing students time.”

• Relationships with students

  • Without: “You're too soft on them.”

  • With: “I’m not saying you shouldn’t connect with your kids. I am saying that tightening expectations will protect the relationships you’ve built.”

• Lesson alignment

  • Without: “Your lessons aren’t rigorous enough.”

  • With: “I’m not saying you’re not planning. I am saying that the independent practice doesn’t match the objective, which means kids may not master the skill.”

These alternatives model how the contrasting statement reframes feedback in terms of practice, not personality, and roots it in student impact.

How to Build One

Lein outlines a simple process:

1. Anticipate misinterpretation — ask: “What’s the worst they might think I mean?” Use that as your “I’m not saying…” clause.

2. Clarify your real message — ask: “What is the essential point I want them to take away?” Use that as your “I am saying…” clause.

3. Keep tone neutral — deliver calmly, at a steady pace, without raising voice or sarcasm.

Common Pitfalls

• Don’t use it as a “feedback sandwich.” This isn’t about cushioning criticism between praise. The point is clarity, not obfuscation.

• Don’t over-explain. Stick to a simple, two-part sentence. Overly long or convoluted contrasting statements lose their power.

• Don’t make it personal. Focus on observable practice and outcomes, not personality or effort.

It’s More than a Sentence Stem

Lein emphasizes that a contrasting statement is a stance more than a linguistic trick—it conveys:

• “I see you (your intent, your effort)”

• “I respect your motivations”

• “I care enough to tell you the truth about impact”

This approach balances honesty and empathy, making the coach–teacher relationship safer for vulnerability and growth.

Try It This Week

Lein encourages readers to pause before a potentially difficult feedback moment, anticipate misunderstandings, and plan a contrasting statement in advance. Difficult conversations test not just communication skills but courage; contrasts give coaches a way to hold both care and honesty in the same breath.

Lein’s article offers educators a robust, practical tool for feedback that is both authentic and relationally safe. The contrasting statement helps keep difficult conversations grounded in respect and purpose, reducing defensiveness and opening possibilities for change.

Original Article

Source: Jo Lein, “The Power of the Contrasting Statement: How to Keep Difficult Conversations Honest and Safe,” Oct 9, EduCoach by Jo Lein. Retrieved from https://jolein.substack.com/p/the-power-of-the-contrasting-statement

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Prepared with the assistance of AI software

OpenAI. (2025). ChatGPT (4) [Large language model]. https://chat.openai.com