Dealing Skillfully with Angry Parents 

From the Marshall Memo #448

In this helpful American School Board Journal article, Harvard Medical School psychiatry professor Nancy Rappaport shares her 20 years of experience helping school staff deal with confrontational parents. “The way school personnel respond can profoundly impact whether the ‘blame game’ persists or whether there is true collaboration that enables parents and school professionals to work together in the best interests of the child,” she says. Her suggestions:

• Body language matters. If the school administrator is standing up, towering over a seated parent, that can inflame the parent’s sense of powerlessness. If the administrator appears impatient, looking at his watch or rolling her eyes, things are more likely to escalate. “When parents feel that their concerns are being heard,” says Rappaport, “they don’t need to shout.”

• It’s all in a name. Referring to parents as “Mom” or “Dad” is impersonal and doesn’t help build collaboration, Rappaport believes. She suggests using parents’ and guardians’ names – better still, asking them at the beginning of a meeting how they would like to be addressed. 

• Don’t point fingers. The trickiest part of many meetings is getting angry, accusatory parents to take responsibility – and getting their misbehaving child to take responsibility. “It is helpful in these situations to describe the child’s unacceptable behavior in a way that doesn’t sound like the parent is being scolded,” says Rappaport. “For example, the administrator can explain, ‘When Johnny storms out of the room, he may feel that the teacher doesn’t like him, but I worry that he needs a better way of understanding his frustration without missing time from class.’” 

• Don’t delay. Avoidance and procrastination only make things worse, says Rappaport, especially when bullying is involved. Mobilize immediately, meet to address the parent’s concerns, and always schedule a follow-up meeting.

• Sidestep the normal tendency to get defensive. “It is hard not to take verbal assaults personally,” says Rappaport, “but it’s important to remain aware of our own behavior even during tense confrontations… The first step is not to get defensive, but to stay calm. This communicates that the parent’s outrage isn’t intimidating and instead can be used as a starting point for a discussion.” 

• Don’t argue. Instead, show curiosity by saying, “Can you help me understand why you think I am unfair to your son?” Rappaport suggests a technique called roll with the resistance: “Don’t challenge the complaints, but rather use the person’s momentum to explore their view and to develop a viable solution together.” 

• Calmly reassure. What if parents exaggerate a situation, are overly protective of their child, or aren’t listening to evidence that the school has things under control? “It’s essential to communicate your commitment to keeping all children safe,” says Rappaport. “It’s also important to let the parents know that you understand how disturbing it must be to hear about troubling events.” She suggests identifying a point person who will keep parents informed in the days ahead. 

• Don’t call 911 unless absolutely necessary. “While volatile language can be seen as a form of intimidation, it’s usually an expression of tremendous frustration,” says Rappaport, suggesting that calling security or the police shames parents and is usually counterproductive. “Remain compassionate but firm, which lets the parents know there is potential over time to build a united front. A strong-willed parent who comes to understand the school’s concerns can become a powerful ally.” 

• Stay positive. “[P]arents can get exhausted and exasperated when the only thing they hear from the school is bad news,” says Rappaport. She suggests ending every meeting, no matter how contentious, with a genuine comment about the child’s strong points, and following up with positive calls or e-mails – a higher test score, a good deed, a successful day. “This helps create a spirit of collaboration and provides hope that the entire team is united in helping the student shine.” 

“A Mindful Approach to Parent Conflict” by Nancy Rappaport in American School Board Journal, September 2012 (Vol. 199, #9, p. 20-21), http://www.asbj.com; Rappaport can be reached at nrappaport@comcast.net.