Sharing Personal Information in the Workplace

In this helpful Harvard Business Review article, Lisa Rosh (Yeshiva University) and Lynn Offermann (George Washington University) advise on the do’s and don’ts of disclosing too much with professional colleagues. Here’s an example: Mitch, a university administrator, is visiting another university and tells the dean that he’d hoped to attend the university as a student but didn’t get in. Mitch saw this as friendly and self-deprecating, but the dean was chilly and the meeting didn’t go well. Mitch’s comment came across as a criticism of the admissions process or perhaps an appeal for pity. 

Rosh and Offermann have gathered hundreds of stories like these and have done some careful analysis. “Authenticity begins with self-awareness, knowing who you are,” they say, 

“– your values, emotions, and competencies – and how you’re perceived by others. Only then can you know what to reveal and when.” They’ve identified five common mistakes (some people make more than one):

• Being oblivious – These people don’t have a realistic sense of themselves and reveal information or opinions in a way that seems clueless or phony. 
• Bumblers – They have a better understanding of themselves but aren’t good at reading colleagues’ body language and facial expressions and don’t know how they’re coming across. 
• Open books – They talk endlessly about themselves, about others, about everything, and lose their colleagues’ trust. “I know more about his wife than I know about my own,” said an associate of one open-book manager. 
• Being inscrutable – They have difficulty sharing anything, come across as remote and inaccessible, and don’t form long-term relationships. 
• Social engineers – They encourage self-disclosure within their work groups – for example, in elaborate team-building exercises – but allow the information to be mishandled.

What can we learn from these errors? Rosh and Offermann suggest five ways to improve our judgment about what personal information should be shared in which situations:

• Build a foundation of self-knowledge. Think through your upbringing, work experiences, successes and failures, and reflect on your values and philosophy. You can also solicit honest feedback from others or arrange to have a formal 360-degree review.

• Consider relevance. “Skillful self-disclosers choose the substance, process, and timing of revelations to further the task at hand,” say Rosh and Offermann. “Be clear that your goal in revealing yourself at work is to build trust and engender better collaboration, not to make friends – though that may happen.”

• Be honest. Rosh and Offermann are amazed by how often managers fabricate stories and fudge details. The truth usually comes out, and the boss loses all credibility. 

• Understand the cultural and organizational context. People from individualistic societies (the U.S. and India, for example) are more likely to disclose personal information and expect others to do the same. People from collectivist societies (e.g., China and Japan) are less prone to telling personal stories – and more likely to be taken aback and put off when someone else does. Culture aside, it’s wise to size up the norms in a new workplace and take cues from colleagues about what’s done and not done. 

• Delay or avoid very personal disclosures. “Intimate stories strengthen relationships,” say Rosh and Offermann; “they don’t establish them. Sharing too much personal information too quickly breaks all sociocultural norms of behavior, making one appear awkward, needy, and even unstable… First develop common objectives, delineate goals and roles, and demonstrate credibility and trustworthiness through your work. Take careful note of how open others are before offering significant disclosures of your own.”

“Be Yourself, But Carefully” by Lisa Rosh and Lynn Offermann in Harvard Business Review, October 2013 (Vol. 91, #10, p. 135-139), no e-link available; for an interactive tool on self-disclosure, see http://hbr.org/web/2013/09/assessment/when-and-when-not-to-share. 

From the Marshall Memo #503