Facing up to reality

“You are burnt out”. Hearing these words from her doctor was terrifying. Kirstin Botter relates the perils of justifying the ludicrous and ignoring the warning signs.

Justifying the ‘norm’

http://consiliumeducation.com/itm/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/12/tied-up-1792237_960_720-300x200.jpg 300w, http://consiliumeducation.com/itm/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/1... 768w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />The night before my visit to the doctor, I had returned home from work at 9pm. I was proud for coming home so ‘early’. That day I had been up since 5.30am. The same as every day. I had not had time for lunch. The same as every day. The cup of tea I had made when I arrived in the morning was sitting cold on my desk. The same as every day. Looking back, it is striking how very easy it is to normalise really ludicrous behaviour. Justifying a 65 hour work week was easy because it was busy. The next week easier still because it was busier. The following week simplicity itself because I had to catch up on the things I had put aside the previous weeks. This continued until I was averaging 70-80 hours a week. For months and months this was the norm. Until one night I collapsed and could not continue.

Warning signs

http://consiliumeducation.com/itm/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/12/stress-1084525_960_720-300x225.jpg 300w, http://consiliumeducation.com/itm/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/1... 768w" sizes="(max-width: 280px) 100vw, 280px" />Every day we hear of teachers burning out, suffering from exhaustion and leaving the profession for the sake of their health. I was so aware of this, and so aware that one of my roles as a Head Teacher was to ensure that no staff member working with me would become another statistic, that I completely neglected my values and myself. (There were other major contributing factors which led to my burn out, which I cannot share.) Looking back, the warning signs were all there:

• No spark: feeling disinterested in student and teacher achievements that would normally have been hugely exciting.
• Lack of patience; getting easily irritated by small problems and feeling frustrated constantly.
• Negativity: feeling as though nothing one does matters or has a positive impact on anybody, yet still feeling under an unmanageable level of pressure to succeed.
• Exhaustion: feeling emotionally, mentally and physically empty.
• Cognitive problems: forgetfulness, lack of focus, inability to complete tasks and pay attention.
• Highly emotional: the littlest things could bring one to tears, yet becoming less sympathetic to others.
• Normalising unhealthy habits: surviving a fourteen hour work day on a couple of glasses of water, one trip to the loo and then coming home and falling asleep on the sofa with a bar of chocolate.
• Lack of sleep: four hours of broken sleep is fine. Really. Completely fine. “I’ll catch up on the weekend.” Which never happened.

http://consiliumeducation.com/itm/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/12/woman-1006100_960_720-300x169.jpg 300w, http://consiliumeducation.com/itm/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/1... 768w" sizes="(max-width: 385px) 100vw, 385px" />Together, all of these symptoms of chronic stress led to a complete inability to function successfully on a professional and personal level. Over the course of an academic year, I had steadily withdrawn more and more from social interactions with friends and loved ones. I went from being incredibly social to having a desire to be alone. I was too exhausted to contemplate going out. My relationship disintegrated. I had become someone I no longer recognised.

Towards recovery

Being diagnosed with a burn out caused me a lot of shame. I had believed that strong, intelligent people didn’t get burn outs. The feeling of failure was overwhelming, and I did not want people to know. Thankfully I was surrounded by people who helped me accept what had happened.

Once I had accepted how I had totally neglected myself, I let go of the shame and began to realise that I had not failed. Following acceptance comes the recovery which brings with it its own hurdles, yet there are things which have helped bring me back to being me:

• Sleep: once I accepted that I would not be returning to work for the foreseeable future, I began to sleep. Ten hours a night and a long afternoon nap. It was like being in hibernation.
• Exercise: initially I was proud of myself if I managed to get showered, dressed and have breakfast within two hours. Slowly I began to introduce exercise into my daily routine. I started with walking, introduced boxing (great to release anger associated with the cause of my burn out) and, as I became stronger, I added high intensity interval training and weight training.
• Being selfish: doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. Re-discovering old hobbies and sometimes just enjoying doing absolutely nothing.
• Talking: confiding in close friends and family and sharing what had happened was hugely cathartic and helped me realise how fortunate I am.
• Time: it took months and months of chronic stress to cause to my burn out. It is taking just as long to recover. A weekend break or a short holiday does not ‘cure’ you.

http://consiliumeducation.com/itm/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/12/italy-1614931_960_720-300x225.jpg 300w, http://consiliumeducation.com/itm/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2016/1... 768w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Having a burn out is a very lonely place to be and one which I hope you will never have to experience. Listen to your body, it will tell you when enough is enough. Do not ignore the signs, seek help and advice on how to manage your stress levels. Value yourself and try to find work in an environment where you are valued. Teacher burn out is so often an organisational problem which removes talented and dedicated teachers from their profession. We all know that when the teaching conditions are bad, that the learning conditions are often worse and it is our students who suffer which is the exact opposite impact teachers seek.

Kirstin Botter, kirstinbotter@hotmail.com