Learning to honor those with whom we disagree

Not since the the Vietnam War era and the presidency of Richard Nixon do I remember Americans being as divided as we are today, a division so emotional that many of us are unable to hear one another yet alone honor the views of  those with whom we disagree.

This problem did not begin with the last presidential campaign, although it intensified it. Nor will it be resolved with new political leadership in Washington, although its symptoms may be tempered.

These essays, from May 2013 and March 2015, address this issue.

“The world is divided into people who think they are right”

Sometime, somewhere, I remember someone observing, “The world is divided into people who think they are right.” 

It’s hard to imagine a more succinct and accurate observation of the human condition and of the source of problems that range from the personal and professional to the political to horrific acts of violence and cruelty among peoples and nations.

The world would be a much better place, I believe, if more conversations began: “What I’m about to say is my truth with a lowercase “t.” It may be wrong or only partially true, so I’m eager to hear your views and am open to being influencing by them…

I encourage you to offer some variation of that simple statement at least once each day and to listen deeply in the spirit of dialogue with an open mind to the views of others.

I am confident that not only will the quality of your relationships improve, but that you will be happier and more influential in all realms of your life. 

That’s a substantial payoff from adopting the belief that there may be a number of valid points of view and beginning conversations with an invitation to explore that possibility.

Strong opinions, weakly held

Learn how to fight as if you are right and listen as if you are wrong: It helps you develop strong opinions that are weakly held. —Gretchen Rubin

While it is essential that leaders have clear, well-defined beliefs and ideas that guide their work, it is also essential that those beliefs and ideas are open to influence by respected colleagues.

That means that leaders do both the intellectually-demanding work of forming clear, well-considered points of view and the interpersonally-demanding work of holding them loosely.

Because our views are often influenced by psychological and emotional forces of which we are not fully aware, both their formation and alteration is seldom fully rational.

That means that altering our views based on evidence and logic rather than vigorously defending them until death typically requires a high level of emotional intelligence.

How do you decide when to maintain your point of view and when to surrender it?

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