Handling Seven Interpersonal Challenges with Skill and Grace

In this article in Psychology Today, Mary Loftus says that “it is one of the operating principles of social psychology that even the most minute encounters can have large effects on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors… If there is a unifying theme to the findings, it is that the most successful encounters accommodate, even anticipate, the respondent’s point of view. That is, if we want something only another person can give – friendship, acceptance, forgiveness – we need to factor in the other person’s mindset into our requests and behaviors.” Here are a few examples:

• Getting an honest answer – “When you want to hear the unvarnished truth, you have to ask for it,” says Loftus. General questions (What can you tell me about this job?) yield little useful information and may even elicit a misleading response. Positive-assumption questions (There aren’t any problems in this school, are there?) are equally unhelpful. Researchers have found that negative-assumption questions, communicating that you assume there will be difficulties and drawbacks (What are the worst parts of this job? What mechanical problems does this car have?) are the best for getting the truth.

• Framing criticism – People don’t like to be told they’ve messed up, and even constructive criticism is often met with defensiveness, says Loftus. “There is mounting evidence that criticism can be damaging to all relationships and individual mental health… We are social creatures, and the way we say things has real power. To show care when choosing how to phrase something is a way to honor, and safeguard, any relationship.” So skip the complaining and go straight to the explaining, advises psychologist Susan Heitler. With children, it’s better to say what you would prefer them to do rather than criticizing what they have not done or done incorrectly. Compare these two approaches by a parent concerned about a messy playroom: “This place is a mess! What have you been doing? You haven’t picked up one thing. No one is coming over this weekend until this room is spotless.” versus “I’d love to see your playroom cleaned up by this weekend so you and your friends can have fun downstairs.” 

• Responding to a compliment – There are three internal questions when someone says something like, “That’s a beautiful sweater”: (a) Do we agree or disagree with the statement? (b) Do we accept or reject it? and (c) How can we avoid seeming proud or conceited if we accept the compliment? Studies reveal that two-thirds of people respond inappropriately to positive comments, says Loftus, and people tend to respond better to compliments from men than from women. Here are some possibilities:

• The praise upgrade: “Yes, it really brings out the blue in my eyes.”
• The follow-up: “Do you really think so? Do you want to borrow it?”
• Deflecting: “It was on sale at Walmart, and they didn’t even have the color I wanted.”
• Rejecting: “It’s itchy; I hate it.” 
• Adding a relevant, related comment: “Thanks, it’s my favorite too.” 

“But nothing tops a smile, looking the complimenter in the eye, and saying, ‘Thank you,’” says Loftus.

• Giving praise – “Praising someone’s ability to work hard is more effective than gushing about how brilliant she is,” says Loftus. People who are praised for ability don’t try as hard at future tasks because they come to believe that success should come naturally and having to work hard shows a lack of innate ability. Praise for talent and “smarts” can also lead to people going to pieces when they encounter frustration, setbacks, or failure. “The ideal is to help someone think positively but realistically about achieving goals while praising their hard work,” she says. “When praised for persistence, those who think the path ahead will be difficult invest more effort.” 

• Persuading people – To change someone’s mood, mind, or willingness to do something, we shouldn’t think in terms of winning an argument, says Loftus. Think instead of how to win agreement without stirring up bad feelings. Avoid the undebatable, focus on goals, watch for persuadable moments, express similarities and shared values, show you have their best interests at heart, cite peers who have taken this route, and be agreeable. 

• Apologizing – It’s hard to say you’re sorry, and simply bringing yourself to apologize when you’ve made a mistake is the most important step, says Loftus. Insincere apologies are worse than none at all. The best apologies have five components:

• A simple expression of regret – for example, “I’m sorry.” 
• An explanation of the cause – “I forgot to call you the other day with the information.”
• Taking responsibility – “I blew it.”
• A promise of forbearance – “I promise nothing like this will happen again.” 
• An offer of repair – “What can I do to make it up to you?”

The more of these elements an apology contains, the better. But don’t apologies result in negative consequences? Apologizing certainly makes it clear that you did what you did, but researchers have found that it reduces sanctions, anger, and negative evaluations. Do women apologize more than men? Yes, say social psychologists Karina Schumann and Michael Ross (University of Waterloo in Ontario). Why? Because men seem to have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.

• Complaining – “Both direct observation of experts and psychological research point in one direction,” says Loftus: “A successful complaint usually boils down to being really nice and staying very calm, but never settling for less than you believe is fair.” Ideally there are three components:

• Say something positive – for example, “This is one of our favorite restaurants.” 
• Make your complaint or request – “But tonight the cheese bread was burned. Could we possibly get another order that is less crisp?”
• Follow up with a statement of gratitude – “Thanks so much, you’re a dear.”

This approach is most likely to get the problem solved and maintain good relationships.

“Smooth Encounters” by Mary Loftus in Psychology Today, April 2013 (Vol. 46, #2, p. 69), no e-link available

From the Marshall Memo #476